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Review: 'Boyd, Charles'
'Greatest Hits'   

-  Genre: 'Indie'

Our Rating:
Chick’s introductory email is friendly, pleasant and seemingly normal for a prodigious independent artist. He writes: ‘Hi, my name is Chick Boyd. I am an independent musician in Toronto. I've recorded over 30 albums since 1995, This is my Greatest Hits. Click on it and listen to a couple of tracks. They are all FREE to download and listen to on my website… call it Adult/Comedy/College Rock’.

His website, it has to be said, suggests something a little less normal: after waiting an eternity for it to load, and once I’ve confirmed I’m over 18, I’m assailed by the information that ‘Chick is a short form of Charles. My name is an anagram for LESBIAN.charLES IAN Boyd
so fuck off and no you cannot eat my shit. suck the place where my dick used to be’.

He goes on at considerable length about the vast array of projects, the fact his website has ‘a FORUM where you can say anything you like...please do...swear...talk about other people behind their back PLEASE SAY FUCKING ANYTHING!!!.’ And we also learn that the site features ‘37 albums that I have made since 1995. Listen to them here for FREE or download them for FREE in FLAC or MP3, download individual songs if you like.                      There are 72 music videos under VIDEOS-35 are XXX-37 were made for YouTube so everything had to "STAY IN THE PANTS" "PRETEND THAT TITS ARE A BAD THING SHOULD NOT BE SEEN", "DON'T CONTAIN SUCKING COCK" "FURTHER THE EVIL AGENDA WHICH IS YOUTUBE" etc., under MUSIC VIDEOS 1,2 & 3. There is the 60 min. THE JOHN WAYNE GACY SITUATION. I made in 1999. He's the guy who sodomized, tortured & killed 33 boys.’

Amongst all the mental shit, on one of the most chaotically laid-out websites you’re likely to find, there are a handful of albums embedded as playlists, and if last year’s ‘Homomania’ album is bursting with ‘Adult’ ‘Comedy’ titles like ‘Cuntsucker’, ‘I Love Lesbians’ (included in the ‘Greatest Hits’), ‘Gloryhole’, ‘Horny Biker Slut’, ‘American Slut’, ‘Rock ‘n’ Roll Bitch’ and ‘Sodomize Nation’, then Chick’s 19-track laugh-a-decade ‘Greatest Hits’ set distils a quarter of a century of puerile nonsense into one convenient package.

Starting out with a lo-fi DIY home recording style, with cheap Casio synths and cheap guitars played loose over even cheaper drum machine tracks and wavering, couldn’t-carry-a-tune-in-a-bucket singing about sucking cocks, cunts, pussies, tits and jizz, and evolving not one iota over the course of his career, Boyd has seemingly spent a lifetime in adolescence, churning out onanistic dross that’s so one-track as to make G.G. Allin sound sophisticated.

It’s not simply that the music and lyrics are simplistic and base – the majority of rock and pop music is in one way or another – but the fact that none of this is clever playing dumb, it’s just plain dumb, misogynistic objectifying bullshit and seemingly 100% irony-free (beyond, perhaps, the existence of this album, which requires no explanation).

It’s perhaps telling that Boyd’s music videos feature only himself, his shaky home-shot footage spliced with random clips and stills, mostly pictures of blowjobs and rear penetration lifted from low-grade porn sites. If Beavis and Butthead made music videos, they’d probably look like these, only with more explosions and stuff that’s cool. Because apart from the boobs, which are cool, these suck.

Chick Boyd sucks. I’m sure he’s fine with that: he’s certainly had plenty of practise.

  author: Christopher Nosnibor

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