On the track ‘Hell is Chrome’ off the latest Wilco album Jeff Tweedy sings that ‘When the devil came / He was not red / He was chrome and he said / Come with me / You must go / So I went / Where everything was clean’.It’s a wonderful conceit that Hell is a place where everything is sanitised and everyone is polite and nice all day and night.
However, one of the most pressing concerns, and the question on the lips of any discerning music fan would be:
“What music is playing in the lifts and shopping malls of Hell with which to torment those poor souls?”
In all likelihood it would be David Feder and his ‘concept’ album ‘This Time In Between – The Ultimate Island Spa Mix’.
The ‘concept’ is that you get a massage when you play this album at The Blu Bamboo, an exclusive spa in The Florida Keys (still there at 16:51GMT on 15th September 2004 prior to the arrival of Hurricane Ivan).
In fact the CD “was inspired and co-produced by working therapists and aestiticians” (no, I don’t know what an aestitician is either) and “is organic music, tailored for that perfect integrated relaxing experience.”
For me a “perfect integrated relaxing experience” would involve a sofa big enough for two, my wife, a large glass of red wine and a good film. But hey, if mud baths, herbal tea and piped MUZAK is your thing, who am I to argue?
David’s music on this album is acoustic guitar with a bit of flute and light percussion.
It is soft jazz. It is light romantic. It is gossamer thin. It is utter shite.
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David has another album called ‘The Reason Why’ that will make you want to “hit the dance floor”. Probably with your head while moaning, “No, no, no, help me out of here. Please.”
The inlay sleeve to ‘This Time In Between’ provides an in depth biography of David Feder - the man who gave us Hillbilly Flamenco(?) “in its purest form” on his album ‘Black Emerald’. It covers the long and rocky road he travelled to reach that point in his life where “magic happen[ed]” and, lo, he found that Bland was the future.
When not sticking pins in Kenny G dolls, David likes to rescue injured birds and wants everyone to adopt a homeless animal.
Aaah.
He performs 12 to 13 benefit concerts every year and his next album contains “all original songs inspired by children.”
Aaah. Bless.
People who buy this type of guff do not like music. It is impossible to like this and claim that you like music. It contravenes the Laws of Nature to actually “like” this. YOU CANNOT LIKE THIS!
PS. I can't believe there isn't the option to choose '0' on the rating menu. And where is the genre 'MUZAK' when you need it?
PPS YOU STILL CANNOT LIKE THIS!
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