First things first, the allocated 1 mark out of 10 for this single is the W&H equivalent of giving a pupil 10% in an exam for spelling his/her name right. And this was only because I was feeling generous, as I shake the can of fizzy vitriol and prepare to spray it full force at this doleful collection of words and notes loosely referred to as "music".
On the surface, this single is typical generic, MOR, facile tripe that takes the "1-4-5" rule of song writing as doctrine. It's the sort of easy-listening saccharine-covered codswallop you'd get on Sugary-Pop FM, which isn't surprising given that it's performed by LEE RYAN, formerly from ex pop-tart boy-band BLUE.
But on further investigation, this song has deeply sinister overtones, and frankly I fear for the safety of the woman he's referring to in this song. [Well, I'm assuming its a woman he's crooning over, but I'm sure that with his occasional castrato vocals and army hard boy image, Sony BMG will probably also be cashing in on the pink pound as well, so it could be anyone.]
The song opens with the line "There's an army of lovers, dying to meet you, dying to make your acquaintance..." followed by "I won't let go, cause I need you so. I'm yours and you are mine." And then, (this is the real clincher) "Accidents happen in the strangest of places, why do they happen at all?"
So in other words, "Oi Slag! Watch your back cause if I can't have you then no one can. Yeah darlin', accidents happen, so make sure your knickers are clean just in case you get pushed in front of a bus and end up in A&E."
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But it doesn't end there. Things take a disturbing turn for the worse when Mr Ryan openly admits that "Every time I see you, you complete my life."
Erm, can I get out of the car now please?
"Got to find the answer!" he further warbles, as he tears his hair out, raising his clenched fists to the sky, with tears of frustration, anger, and (probably) confusion streaming down his cheeks...
"Stay with me tonight?" he whimpers to the listener. No mate, the men in white coats are going to stay with you tonight.
Does he honestly think that this unabashed display of intense neediness and apparent mental instability is going to be attractive to members of the opposite sex? I can guarantee that most women who hear this demented caterwauling will, quite rightly, bolt to the hills like petrified antelope.
Avoid this man at all costs. But you don't need me to tell you this twice.
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